Guest Post: How to toast toast ~ by a professional

The lovely ladies of this blog seem to be in need of a little assistance. Though their posts on delectable delicacies of all sorts are all well and good, they lack the certain flare a true professional literally brings to the table. It takes a special person to elevate the good to the fantastic, the run-of-the-mill to the extraordinary, the Twinkie to the decadent cake. It takes a master chef to turn the eyes of the general public and captivate them with wonders of the edible kind. Only a true professional can offer such miracles to a blog.

And I am happy to oblige.

Today we shall learn of a secret to golden perfection. Namely, I will strive to enlighten your uninformed brains with a true marvel: I will teach you how to toast toast. I assure you, your minds will be blown.

So let's get started.

First you will want to know the necessary ingredients, I suppose. Simple. Bread. And perhaps a dollop of butter or jam--or both. You may live in one of those annoying families who sometimes stores all their bread in the freezer. Such a one is I. But no problem, let me quickly add a note for those of you in this situation.

If you find yourself ravenously hungry for toast but with a frozen lump of bread in your hands--all because your family wants to add a couple weeks of life to the bread or whatever by storing it in the freezer--you may find that the slices are frozen together. This can be quite frustrating, as you only need a couple of slices of bread . . . but will have to unthaw the whole loaf in the microwave to get them. Keep your cool, for I have found a way to bypass this added timewaster. Simply, hurl the frozen loaf on the ground.

Amidst the shards of frozen bread, you should be able to find a couple slices that remain wholly intact. Pick them up and brush them off if necessary. We can now proceed with the normal steps.

You will need to locate the toaster next. I would suggest searching everywhere but the obvious places for this appliance, and you should find it promptly. Plop the toaster down on your counter; then, insert your slices of bread into the desired slots. Amazingly, all it takes afterwards is a push of a lever--and your journey to golden perfection is begun.

(FYI, if a reddish glow is not emanating from the toaster slots, now would be a good time to remember to plug in your toaster)

Next comes the waiting. The long, hard waiting. Perfection is never without a price, and "the price" in this case is a dauntless vigil over that white box that seems to be doing nothing to your bread. Do not take your eyes off the thing. Trust me, I have learned the hard way. Like a guard over some unspeakable treasure, you cannot relax your vigil, or golden perfection will become blackened disaster.

What's that, your little brother just came in from riding his bike with a crimson scrape on his knee? Ignore him. Time heals all wounds. The phone is ringing? Must not be important. Da-dink!  Oh look, an e-mail came through on your laptop. No, even better, it's a new blog comment!!!

A loud screeching noise pierces your ears five minutes later, and you raise your head from your laptop and the LOL you were in the middle of typing in reply to realize the smoke wafting from your toaster. Ah, it happens to the best of us, even the professionals. The smoke alarm is unfailingly good at reminding us of that.

But now comes the moment that separates the professionals from the amateurs. You see, we professionals always have a backup plan. If there is any discernible piece of bread left in the toaster, carefully remove it (Caution: it might be hot or possibly still on fire!!!). Using a butter knife, set to scraping the black scrap of food over and over again on both sides. A few minutes later, you should have a much slimmer piece of bread that vaguely reminds you of the golden perfect in the below picture.

 Now all you have to do is spread some butter and jam before enjoying this treat! I would suggest you spread the sweet stuff liberally--the thicker the jam, the less of the burned-bread aftertaste.

And there you have it! Words of wisdom from an expert. No need to thank me (your wide-eyed wonder is enough). This is just what I do.

Tune in next time for my next brilliant post: How to make cold cereal!

P.S. It sure is fun to hijack your sisters' blog!